My daddy is an angel
written by chelsea in 6th grade

I am a father
I wonder if she misses me
i hear her sigh
i see her cry
i want to help her
i am an angel

I pretend i am there with her
i feel her sorrow
i touch her faith

i worry about my daughter that i left behind
i crry for my sort life that was taken to soon
i am missing all the years of her childhood

i understand that she will always be by my side in me
i say that i am alone in her
i dream that she is safe and happy i try to imagine what my daughter looks like
i hope she will never forget me
i am chelsea's daddy

so yesterday was fathers day it was probably the hardest fathers day so far it was the first time i went to my fathers grave alone. It was rough but well needed i prob. looked like a crazy person talkin to a grave stone cryin my eyes out but it was comfort to me and i needed that closure i never gave myself. growing up i never came to terms that my father was died it was really hard for me to understand it or want to come to terms that i never truelly got to know my dad. This year im tryin to better my self and come to terms with things i cant change the things around me but i can change the way i look at it. i love my father with all my heart and i hope he knows that and i hope he would be proud of me cuz that is one of my biggest fears is that im goin to go to heaven and he is going to sand by me and tell me he is disappointed in me and that is why im tryin to better myself this year its a working progress but im trying......

SO SOON...

I CANT BELIEVE LILY IS GOIN TO BE ONE NEXT MONTH.. IT JUST SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY THAT SHE WAS JUST STILL A BUMP IN MY TUMMY! I THINK ITS A BITTER SWEET.. I KINDA DONT KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO HANDLE THE FACT THAT SHE IS GOIN TO HAVE A BIRTHDAY AND HOW BIG SHE HAS GOTTEN. I LOVE LILY WITH ALL MY HEART AND I HAVENT LOVED OR CARED FOR ANYTHING AS MUCH AS I DO WITH THAT LITTLE ANGEL. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL WONDERING AND WAITING TO SEE WHAT SHE WAS GOIN TO LOOK LIKE... WHEN I FINALLY SAW HER SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL SHE WAS 7 LB. AND 7 ONC. AND TOOK A VERY LONG TIME FOR HER TO COME INTO THIS WORLD! I REMEMBER LINDSAY AND MY AUNT AND MOM BEING THERE FOR ME THREW THE WHOLE THING AND HOW WONDERFUL IT WAS TO HAVE BOTH OF HER MOMMIES IN THE ROOM WAITING FOR HER TO COME.. I WAS SO EXCITED FOR LINDSAY TO BE ABLE TO HOLD HER DAUGHTER FOR THE FIRST TIME IT WAS SO NICE TO SEE THE EXPRESSION ON LINDSAYS FACE WHEN SHE SAW HER DAUGHTER I KNOW LINDSAY AND DANIEL WERE THE RIGHT PARENTS FOR LILY EVEN BEFORE WE CAME TO THIS EARTH I THINK LILY CHOOSE US AND I AM HAPPY TO SAY THAT I WAS LILYS BIRTH MOTHER AND LINDSAY AND DANIEL ARE HER PARENTS.

WELL.. SOME FUN INTERESTING STORIES DURING THE LABOR OF LILY...

I WAS TO BE INDUCED ON SUNDAY AROUND 3PM I WAS SO SCARED I ALMOST HAD COLD FEET GOING TO THE HOSPITAL MY AUNT HAD TO PRETTY MUCH DRAG ME TO THE CAR BUT BEFORE THAT I ASKED MY UNCLE TO GIVE ME LIKE 5 BLESSINGS EARLIER THAT WEEK... WHEN I GOT TO THE HOSPITAL MY AUNT WASNT GOIN TO STAY UNTIL LILY WAS BORN BUT MY AUNT DID DRAG MY MOM ASIDE AND TOLD HER "IF SHE NEEDS ME YOU BETTER CALL ME OR ILL KILL YOU" (I THINK SHE SAID SOMETHING ALONG THOS LINES) LOL MY FAMILY IS VERY PROTECTIVE.. SO WHEN I GOT IN THE LABOR ROOM THEY PUT ME ON POTOCINE AND MAN DID IT MAKE ME ANGRY AND THINK IT WAS MORE THE PEANUT GALLARY ASKIN IF I FELT EVERY CONTRACTION EVERY MINUTE THAT I HAD ONE AKA LINDS AND MY MOM LOL.. LOVE YOU BOTH SO FINALLY MONDAY COMES AND LILY IS ALMOST HERE IM LISTENING TO MY PINK FLOYD AND WRITING IN MY JOURNAL AND TEXTING IN BETWEEN PUSHES IT WAS A VERY RELAXED CHILL LABOR IF I MIGHT SAY SO LOL. GIVING LIFE TO A SWEET LITTLE GIRL IS A WONDERFUL FEELING BUT GIVING LIFE FOR AN AMAZING FAMILY IS ONE FEELING I CANT EXPLAIN I LOVE THE FACT THAT I WAS ABLE TO HAVE THE THOMAS FAMILY THERE FOR MY WHOLE EXPERIENCE IN THE HOSPITAL AND SEEING LOGAN JUST LOVE HIS SISTER AND NOT WANT TO LET GO OVER HER WAS PROBABLY THE CUTEST THING EVER.

PLACEMENT DAY...
PLACEMENT DAY WAS VERY SPIRITUAL.. I WAS ABLE TO HAVE MY FAMILY AND LINDSAY AND DANIEL AND THERE FAMILY THERE HEARING EVERYONES TESTIMONYS WAS SO AMAZING THAT WILL BE ONE DAY ILL NEVER FORGET LILY AND I BOTH GOT BEARS THAT MATCHED AND MY BEAR WAS NAMED LILY BEAR I LOVE THAT THING I PRETTY MUCH SLEEP WITH IT EVERY NIGHT (SO DOES LILY WHICH IS REALLY CUTE) I WAS VERY GRATEFUL TO BE ABLE TO WALK LILY TO DAN AND LINDS CAR AND BE ABLE TO SAY GOOD BYE ON MY OWN TERMS BUT GOOD BYE FOR VERY LONG..

WELL A YEAR HAS PAST AND LILY IS A VERY HAPPY HEALTHY BABY I AM JUST SO THANKFUL FOR THE THOMAS FAMILY AND BEING ABLE TO HAVE AN OPEN ADOPTION WITH THEM AND TO ALSO HAVE THEM AS MY GOOD FRIENDS

When the world says give up and reality says move on hope says try one more time and faith whispers keep holding on.......

Well...... I've decided to move to San Diego for a while! I might just stay for the summer but who knows i might stay there longer.. I think i need a break from Arizona for a while and i think this would be good for me i would call it a new beginnings! I'm very excited for this a little scared to leave everything and my family but i need to do it. I've been getting pictures of lily and oh my goodness she is getting so BIG i miss that little chunks she will always be part of me and my life even if she isn't physically there. I just cant wait what life holds ahead there in San Diego hopefully its all good things I'll probably be moving in the beginning of aug. so if you all want to get together before hand that would be great! I love you all thank you for eveything


peace & love you always